Clowns are neat-o, clowns are fun
Clowns are loved by everyone
--The Vandals

Okay, I know it was an unusual place to wonder about pornography, but there I was at the circus, pondering pornography. Perhaps this speaks volumes in and of itself--I was also disappointed that the shooting range was closed on holidays: nothing makes me think about shooting guns like Thanksgiving with the folks. Anyways, there I was in this family establishment with these thoughts. Now it wasn't about the contortionist, nor was it about the the acrobatic women in their skimpy outfits.

No, indeed, I was thinking about clown porn.

It seems that this wonderful Internet thing has, if nothing else, served to unify the world's pornography in one convenient location. It seems like one can't even search on something relatively benign like, say, kumquats, without finding some young hussy brazenly sticking them up her nether regions. The great benefit is that you can quickly find sites devoted to fetishes you didn't even know existed.

The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly, there are a lot of quick-buck porn hustlers who will string together a few images of women in overalls and call it the "Bronco Bustin' Fillies" site or some damned thing in order to get suckers into their primary site¹.

Now, the other folks are just plain fetishists who are trying to share their personal collection. Over the years there's been every kind of niche market targeted by these same folks who are operating the aforementioned web sites now. These fetishists lovingly scan their (often poor quality) images up onto the web for other freak...er, fetishists to enjoy.

So, it occurred to me that:

1. Women are clowns
2. Women in pornography are sometimes depicted in professional work or fantasy-work roles².
3. Women clowns are professionals
4. Naked women clowns would be pornography
5. The Internet is full of pornography
6. Naked women clown pornography should, therefore, be available on the Internet.

Such blindingly fast logic comes only when one is under the influence of King Dogs and cotton candy. Perhaps this dark streak was fueled by seeing sneaker rockster Chino Morino of the Deftones with a gaggle of kids hanging off him (his own, it would seem). Anywho, so there I was, thinking about clown porn³.

My reverie was broken: "Whatcha thinking about?" my girlfriend asked. "Nothing," I replied absently. She, of course, would take it the wrong way. She'd told me about seeing a S&M-esque girl clown on Talk Soup about a week before we had come to the circus and perhaps this was fuel for the fire.

When I got home, not even my Michu (the world's biggest little midget) poster could not distract me from my quest to find clown porn. Now, I pride myself on being something of an AltaVista hacker. If it's indexed there, chances are pretty good that I can dig it out from the mountain of crap that's stored there. So, first I tried the easy route, phrases like "naked clown" and "clown porn".

Curses! Those damned porn-49ers (as I like to think of the opportunists akin as they are to our own state's gold-rushers) had anticipated my move. Though, to be fair, they had also thought that I might be searching for porno and had inadvertently typed "state of the union address". A common typo to be sure--a good thing they were providing this sort of community service. The pages the search returned had, of course, nothing to do with clowns at all, and were simply repositories of words used to trick innocent people doing legitimate research, such as myself, to viewing their lurid pages.

I parried their attack, using some of their selfsame terms against them:

I was slicing and dicing through the layers of the onion as fast as I could think of new terms to throw into the soup. I kept coming up dry. A few dirty stories involving casual contact with a clown, a few sucker pages put up by the 49ers, but little else. I was about to give up hope when I came across my first hit. This was a dirty clown all right, but barring a few risqué illustrations of ms. dirty clown and a few pictures of her "out of uniform".

I was on the right track however, I kept at it for a goodly while with little more result. The best I could get was a guy-clown receiving oral sex from some bimbo with really bad implants. He wasn't even a very good clown, actually. He had sort of lecherous clown make up on his face and a really cheap looking costume. I mean, really, John Wayne Gacey had a better setup than this guy, and that's not saying much.

Since then, the occasional fringe concept has panned out: midget porn, gothic porn, even a bit of punk porn. However, this clown market seems untapped. All you enterprising pornsters take note! Not, of course, that I'd be interested in seeing the results. Amateur Hula dancers on the other hand...

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