So there I was at the Fox and Goose celebrating another year passing since my birth by getting drunk off my ass and making a fool of myself. I was mentioning that I was going to be spending the next evening with the Archbishop Dave Smith and Ed and describing what kind of guys these were to some of the old college gang. I was mid-way into the discussion when Cheryl's coworker and her roommate showed up. Of course I was in the middle of discussing clown porn at the time. Or maybe I was in the middle of the John Wayne Gacey joke and had to go back to discuss clown porn. Either way--nice first impression to make. I had to back up and try to explain what they had come into the middle of, but I somehow don't think that improved my standing any.

How does one become the Clown Porn Guy? The same way you make it to the top of Everest: one small step at a time.

So the next evening, true to form, the Archbishop shows up with clown porn in tow. He gives me a somewhat disappointing review: the porn in question is not so much clowns getting it on, but clown groupies getting it on with clowns, and there's little clown suit action. This video would, somewhat disturbingly, be my only actual birthday present that year. I couldn't simply go home and watch this movie all by myself. Well, I could, but not without people talking...okay, more than they do anyway...okay, maybe just in a different way. Point being, I needed an occasion to bust this out.

A few weeks later I had a lot of the same people from the EffenGee over for dinner. At the end I thought, "hey, what better to cap this off than some Grand Mariner and some clown porn viewing?" This, of course, was after an evening of BBQ action which for me involves much drinking and may have affected my judgement adversely. The group included Cheryl, Roy, Young Dave. Molly, Hank, Jen Dawe and myself. After seeing a minute and a half of diatribe on the first amendment and how my constitutional right to watch porno is at risk I decided that we needed to fast forward to the clown lovin'. We stopped to watch the first scene a bit, but there was a whole lotta fluff and so back to fast forward we went. And on and on and on. Where the fuck were the clowns? Send in the clowns, damnit! The closest we would come (pardon the unintentional pun) would be some guy in a "confessional" scene backlit ostensibly to protect his identity but clearly wearing cheap party-supply-store clown costuming.

Frankly, I was disappointed. The quest, it seems, was still on.

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