Cogito: The Hard Living Quiz, part one

Cogito

THE HARD LIVING QUIZ PART ONE -- SUBJECTIVE TESTING DRINKING
Pick one:
+1 if you have less than 2 drinks a month.
+2 for 2-10 drinks a month.
+5 if you have had so many drinks that you have lost count.
+10 if you had so many drinks, you can't remember drinking and wonder why you feel like shit.

Choose all that apply:
+1 for drinking beer or wine.
+2 for drinking hard alcohol.
+10 for drinking Sterno, lighter fluid, or the stuff inside Ban Roll On.

Pick one:
+1 for going to a bar.
+2 for going to a bar with the name misspelled (towne, for example).
+5 for going to a bar with "lounge" in its name.

SMOKING

Choose all that apply:
+2 if you smoke.
+2 if you smoke a secondary brand (Montclair, Gunsmoke)
+3 if you smoke GPC's.
+4 if you smoke unfiltered GPC's (+2 for any other unfiltereds, +3 for Camels).
+3 if you know some cool smoking tricks.
+3 if you know how to repair a broken cigarette.
+5 if you have been so desperate that, not knowing how to repair a broken cigs you have smoked the broken cig unfiltered.
+10 if you have ever been so desperate you have smoked butts.

DRUGS

Choose all that apply:
-3 if you "Just Say No"
+1 if you haven't inhaled.
+2 if you use drugs recreationally.
+5 if you "wake'n'bake"
+20 if you have ever gotten a call from Keith Richards asking you to cut down your usage, as you are causing shortages.

COFFEE

Choose all that apply:
-2 if you live caffeine free.
+1 if you drink soda.
+2 if you drink tea.
+2 if you drink "latte" or any other wussy coffee drink.
+3 for coffee with cream and/or sugar.
+4 for coffee, black
+5 if you have actually, for lack of coffee, eaten beans/grounds.

FOOD

Choose all that apply:

-8 if you are a vegetarian
[NOTE: the -8 only applies to those who are vegetarians due to allergies or because of moral reasons. If you are a vegetarian, or worse yet, a vegan because animal products are bad for you, please do not waste any more time reading this, go have some oat bran or something, and we'll see you in the john]
+1 if you eat chicken
+1 if you eat fish
+3 if you eat pork
+4 if you eat beef
+8 if you -only- eat beef
+10 if you don't eat, but substitute coffee and cigarettes in place of food. (+11 for beer/cigarettes or beer/coffee)

PARTIES

Choose one:

-8 if you are a homebody (+8 if you are a homebody because you're too trashed to go out)
+1 if you have "just friends" over at your parties.
+3 if you have friends-of-friends at your parties.
+5 if -nobody- knows who brought the guy who is trying to eat the linoleum.
+10 if your parties sustain several microbreweries and small third world countries from their excess.

Choose all that apply:

+.02 for every hour it takes to clean up from a typical party (round down)
+4 if you move, rather than clean up from your parties.
+15 if you, or anyone you have managed to "contract" have set your house on fire rather than clean up from your parties.
+2 if the cops have shown up at your parties.
+5 if a police division has pulled up with patty wagons, SWAT teams, tear gas and riot gear to tell you to turn down your party.
+10 if the local officials have passed legislation against you partying, specifically.

SEX

Choose one:

+3 if you're getting some.
+3 if you're not getting any.
+5 if you are getting your and someone else's share.

Go on to Part Two.

[THINK SOME MORE]