It's one of my not-so-secret shames that I have been known to enjoy a good
musical then and again. Unfortunately, the only Christmas fare that we as a
theater-going public are entitled to is "The Nutcracker Suite". Really, who
wants to see a bunch of anorexic women and men who stuff their jocks running
around in tights? Hmm? Kaiser, of the hospital and concrete fame, once
said "Find a need and fill it." Here is our need, and this is the basis for
filling that vacuum. (besides, one more sugarplum fairy and I'd go into a
diabetic coma).
[Darkness. Lights fade up gradually. We see SHOPPERS milling around, while
STOREKEEPS keep a mindful eye on registers and merchandise. The din of
registers, children, and conversation increases until the lights are full up.]
(Refrain from Jingle Bells, in front of counters)
SHOPPERS:
Running through the store,
Charging all the way.
Visa card 's maxed out,
(to storekeeps) "You got lay-a-way?"
STOREKEEPS: "HAHAHA"
SHOPPERS:
Three-oh APR,
Got six months to pay.
Why pay right now,
What I can pay in may?
STOREKEEPS:on A.C.
("Sleigh Ride", in the isles)
SHOPPERS (to children):
Giddyap, shattup, lets go,
[WHACK]
(To shoppers) Get outta my way,
Gotta buy my presents...to-day
Loademup, movemout...come on,
Aren-t we having fun?
I wish I were shopping
for one.
STOREKEEPS:
I've got my registers ringing
And coins are jingling too,
No time is better than
When the mall's a zoo.
The parking is havoc,
Looks like LA rush-hour blues.
Why look outside when
You can see it on the news?
[fade to black, lights back up, showing giant television screen background
with NEWSPERSONAGES chorus, NEWS EXECTUIVES are in carbon-copy offices, stage
left.]
NEWSPERSONAGES: (to chrous of Jingle Bells)
"Sarah sells,
Toxic Shells,
Down by the sea-shore."
My God aren't these interest pieces
Something of a bore?
SHOPPERS: YES!
NEWSPERSONAGES:
"Burning trees.
Scraped up knees:
Pogo's are unsafe."
Mixing touching with alarming
Is seldom in good taste.
(To carol of the bells:)
Our hands are tied,
Newstime's at five.
Network is jive.
Let's beat their hide.
NETWORK EXECS:
"Peo-ple are sad,
let's make 'em glad.
More puppy stuff,
Fill it with fluff.
EXECS: News during Christmas
is always happy
jolly nothing scary
fluffy stuff
NEWSPERSONAGES: We wish we could
Show a good
Car accident with
Blood-n-guts
EXECS: News is nice during our Christmas
NEWSPERSONAGES: One more touching piece and I'll be pis-ed.
EXECS: News is so nice.
PERSONAGES: It really sucks,
BOTH: But we both agree,
It makes the bucks.
[THINK SOME MORE]
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