After a year of having this nonesense up on Geocities, we finally got flamed by a canuck hiding out at a freemail joint (you know, since their dollar ain't worth a whole helluva lot and they can't keep their juice flowing for more than a few days at a time, it's hard to get an ISP reunning)

Date: Wed, 02 Sep 1998 15:02:47 PDT
From: Travis ---------
To: No! Canada
Subject: Now, now listen up

Hello. I am one of your great northern neighbors and I would like to get a few things straight here. The first is that you are bigots. You act like a friendly nation on peacekeeping missions. Unfortunately most of the wars you end are fought with weapons supplied by you. Bigots. And you talk as though you invented the idea of peacekeeping. That is in fact a Canadian idea first used in Egypt if I am correct. Bigots. And third, the only reasons you participate in peacekeeping missions is that you have the largest military in the world by far and you have this urge to fight some country (no matter how small) and this is the only excuse your simple minds can think up. Thank you for your time. PS-Our shit smells, but it smells a hell of a lot sweeter than yours.

Well, now I couldn't just let all these vicious attacks go unanswered...

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 00:12:59 -0700 (Pacific Daylight Time)
From: No! Canada
To: Travis ---------
Subject: Re: Now, now listen up

On Wed, 2 Sep 1998, Travis --------- wrote:

Sorry about the delay, I was on vacation and a bit inattentive to the geocities email.

[To be totally honest, I was on a trip up into Vancouver to do a little "research", though there was no way I was going to tell HIM that.--CB]

> Hello. I am one of your great northern neighbors and I would like to
> get a few things straight here. The first is that you are bigots.

Come now. We're not -all- bigots.

> You act like a friendly nation on peacekeeping missions.

I refrained from using any mention to "you aren't on any mercy mission this time princess" references, but only because I wasn't sure they'd actually seen movies up there or not.

Au contraire. We're out to kick ass and take names, but usually only off dog tags.

> Unfortunately most of the wars you end are fought with weapons
> supplied by you.

If you do something, do it well I always thought. Besides, how else would we keep our government spending huge amounts of cash without socialized medicine?

> Bigots.

Redundant.

> And you talk as though you invented the idea of peacekeeping.

No, we invented the idea of "deterrent force".

> Bigots.

And again, redundant.

> And third, the only reasons you participate in peacekeeping missions
> is that you have the largest military in the world by far and you have
> this urge to fight some country (no matter how small) and this is the
> only excuse your simple minds can think up.

Come now. Nobody really beleives that we're in it for humanitarian reasons. Look at the buildup in Kosovo. Who is going in with B52s thrumming? It ain't the UK, though they support it. It ain't Germany, though they supported it to. We've got nearly 225 years of bloody history--somebody has got to do the dirty work.

> Thank you for your time.

De nada (as -our- southern neighbors are fond of saying)

> PS-Our shit smells, but it smells a hell of a lot sweeter than yours.

Oh, come now. Even if it did, it's only the acid rain you're smelling anyway.

Apparently October is prime moose-humping season or something, because ol Trav never got back to us.

On 18 October 1998, we got our second-ever piece of mail. Embedded in some other stuff he'd sent along, Canadian-in-hiding (he was usin' a *com rather than the more tell-tale *ca domain) Mark Franklin stated:

"oh, btw, loved the no! Canada section... interesting theories. (None ofthem are correct though)."

Note the typical Canadian subterfuge--softened us up for a bit then WHAMMO! Just what they want us to think--they discredited Jim Garrison, Ken Starr and Fox Mulder when they were on the right track too.

Things really must get slow in the winter months. Ontarian "Les Guindon`s" [sic] wrote us three times two minutes apart with the following:

You dumb fuck, do you even have an education? How the hell can you say OUR Superman. If you would have any brains you would know that he is 100% Canadian.

I am out to get you. Watch out I'm Canadian... Wow, do you even have a life?? What is your point? I forgot, you are from the USA.. Really I'm Irish and I love Canada. It kicks ass. Maybe you just hate it because it is so much better that you damn country!

Ok, je comprend l'effort que tu as du prendre pour écrire en Français mais au moins Get a fuckin dictionnary and learn how to write!! You are a disgrace! I'm from Germany and we HATE you!

Unfortunately, there simply wasn't any meat there to hang a decent reply onto. There was no argument, no develeopment of thesis, nothing! So, rather than to attempt to make a silk purse from a sow's ear, we ran his three messages through dadadadodo, Jamie A. Zawinski's random sentence generator, using Guindon's (or is it Guindon`s's) messages for input. Considering that Guindon's statements were a bit compulsive and contradictory, our 150-line metaresponse was perfect (even though it was a month in the coming). While mostly meaningless, there were a few choice jems:

I am out to get you even have an education? I am out to get you! I'm Canadian. It is Canadian; and learn I am out to get you dumb fuck, do you dumb fuck (do you)! I forgot, you just Hate you say OUR Superman. If you dumb fuck, do you! Watch out to Get the hell can you even have any brains you are a any brains you even have an education? ou are a any brains you even have an education?

How the hell can you just hate you dumb fuck (do you: even are a life)?

Really I'm Canadian: it is Canadian. Maybe you even have an education? Maybe you are a life? Really I'm Canadian. I'm to Get you are a life? I'm Canadian. What is your point? I am out to get you dumb fuck, do you are a fuckin dictionnary and I forgot, you would just Hate you just hate you would have an education? You! Wow, do you dumb fuck, do you would have an education? If you: say OUR Superman. I'm from the hell can you are a life? I'm Canadian.

You: even have an education? I'm to Get you!

What is your point?

I forgot, you just hate you dumb fuck, do you are a fuckin dictionnary and learn how the hell can you! How the hell can you are a fuckin dictionnary and I forgot, you say OUR Superman. What is Canadian; en Frangais mais au moins Get you dumb fuck, do you even have an education?

Sometimes you get suckered in by what sounds like a email of praise:

Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 15:54:55 +0000
From: Rick ------
Subject: funny!

strange, but you failed to mention that at least we don't have a country leader who's made the news in some very embarrassing ways.

GET A LIFE!

Obviously, Mr. Parker is either schitzoid, manic depressive, or is very diverse. Given that it's S.A.D. season up there, I'll let you draw your own conclusions. Our response was equally unbalanced.

It sounds like you may have some issues, Rick. If you are having trouble coming to terms with President Clinton's actions, perhaps I can direct you to an excellent website entitled "Canadians Cope with the Clinton Crisis" at http://www.clinton.nu/. Hopefully this and repeated applications of oral sex will get you through this period in your life.

As to it being "strange" that a site that is anti-*CANADIAN* didn't list problems with it's own country, I fail to see your point. We also didn't list our lack of problems with our own Francophones, our refusal to let our own indigenous peoples slaughter animals that are declared as protected species by the United Nations, or the fact that we aren't commonwealth boot lickers either.

You know, the thing I love most about our country is the fact that we can be completely obnoxious to foreigners, both at home and abroad. Every other country I've ever been to and most visitors to this country are perfectly polite to us. The following correspondent obviously wasn't quite prepared to meet the brunt of "Ugly American" syndrome head-on.

Date: Sun, 21 Mar 1999 17:32:36 -0600
From: Trevor -------
Subject: american's are stupid bastards


How can you think of bashing Canada when you and most other Americans obviously don't know anything about Canada. I have recently been to several states on business and I was shocked at how stupid Americans are. I had one fellow come up while I was getting out of my car and he asked me "hey is that one of them electric cars??" refering to the block heater cord comming out of my hood. I had a conversation with a lady on a plane to Arizona and she was shocked that I was from Canada, she assumed we all lived in igloos. When I asked her what she thought the population of Canada was she replied "i dunno about one thousand" when In fact we have over 32 million, and they assume that we only have two cities, Toronto and Vancouver, and nothing in between. 99% of them could not tell me the name of the Canadian priminister, the capital of Canada or name any of the provinces we have.

					  "Canada is the one place in the world
                                  where any, and all, cultures of the
                                 world converge and live in relative
                                peace--without losing their identity."
		

Well, we felt bad for old Trevor, so we put on the kid gloves for him:

> How can you think of bashing Canada when you and most other Americans
> obviously don't know anything about Canada.

Well, now, that presupposes quite a bit, doesn't it? And even if I didn't know "anything", would that disallow me from being morally opposed to it? I'm not well versed in torture, but I'm fairly against that.

> I have recently been to several states on business and I was shocked
> at how stupid Americans are.

Careful now: you are confusing "ignorant" with "stupid". We may be the most ignorant motherfuckers on the planet, but we ain't exactly _stupid_. Well, at least not those of us living north of the Mason-Dixon or east of the Rockies.

> I had one fellow come up while I was getting out of my car and he
> asked me "hey is that one of them electric cars??" refering to the block
> heater cord comming out of my hood.

I swear to God, I love Americans--we're so fucking dense sometimes...heheheh.

Was he drinking Budweiser at the time and/or wearing suspenders or a John Deere hat? If he wasn't, please ask for his identification and report him to his supervisor.

> I had a conversation with a lady on a plane to Arizona and she was
> shocked that I was from Canada, she assumed we all lived in igloos.

Come on. Everybody *knows* that you all live in mud huts--she was just pulling your leg.

> When I asked her what she thought the population of Canada was she
> replied "i dunno about one thousand" when In fact we have over 32
> million, and they assume that we only have two cities, Toronto and
> Vancouver, and nothing in between.

Hmm, sounds like most folks opinion of California. I think that you're only steamed 'cause you live in Saskatchewan. Move out to Ontario and into a real town for crissakes. Regina...indeed!

> 99% of them could not tell me the name of the Canadian priminister,
> the capital of Canada or name any of the provinces we have.

Well, okay, you may have us here. However--got any clue as to California's captiol or governor? After all, we've got a population equal to the entire nation of Canada and a larger economy...

It took about a year, but the French-language pages finally paid off with not one but two letters from a francophone (original on the left, babelfish tranlation on the right)

Well, now I felt bad. I'd always reserved my venom for the French speaking Canadians and the very first letter I got looked like he was trying to be helpful--maybe it was the English speakers we have to watch you for. After all, this dude made due with a translation from English to French that was equally as bad as the one from French into English. I especially liked the somewhat koanesque "If you wait to date, you will wait a long time." Ol' Steph finally got to the bottom of the page, though, 'cause a few moments later I got...

Well, after such a nice correspondence (for a change) I just didn't have the heart nor any leverage to go hard on the guy (even though he does speak French...)

Stephane:

--

I'm glad that someone finally got the joke--especially when they were reading the poorly translated French-language version.

--

Je suis heureux que quelqu'un ait finalement obtenu la plaisanterie -- particuleirement quand ils lisaient la version mal traduite de Francais-langage.

Not just one but all the Loughs wrote in from Calgary on 13 April with some words of congratulations:

Obviously, this is an uneducated dumbass muthafuckin american site, you stupid yankees wouldn't know where

Canada even was if you looked on a map, Someone should make up a gay page like this about how your fuckin Pres gets nice head from Lewinsky and then murders thousands of innocent people in Kosovo, and you moronic americans thing that he's doing a fantasic job. Keep up the great work you bunch of fuck-ups!

Have a nice day, sincerely, your Canadian Friend

Those Canadians, always so thoughtful. I'd just had an ice cream, and my caffeine-free diet soda wasn't helping to fuel the fires any...

> Obviously, this is an uneducated dumbass muthafuckin american site,
> you stupid yankees wouldn't know where Canada even was if you looked
> on a map, Someone should make up a gay page like this about how your
> fuckin Pres gets nice head from Lewinsky and then murders thousands of
> innocent people in Kosovo, and you moronic americans think that he's
> doing a fantasic job. Keep up the great work you bunch of fuck-ups!

Oh, you give us too much credit--we've only killed hundreds so far, but we're working on it! Thanks for the kind words of encouragement!

> Have a nice day, sincerely, your Canadian Friend

Mil gracias, as our southern neighbors (or your southern neighbor's southern neighbors) would say. It indeed has been a nice day. And, since you are my Canadian Friend, be sure to send me your postal address so that I can add you to my Christmas card list.