Anywho, back with more Canadian abuse because damn they been mean...
Blah blah blah. We've seen THIS one a million times before...
From: Patrick . [xxxxxxx@n2snow.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2001 9:39 PM
Subject: You suck
I recently visted your anti-Canada web page. I have to say you are one of the dumbest people I have seen! Here's why: For years, Canadians have been flooding our currency exchange with their own currency which looks very similar to ours but is worth considerably less. -We have to put up with your damn money! Ontario, in a shocking smack in the face of morality, recently declared it legal for women to walk around topless. - Yeah and owning a handgun is so much better. You know Las Vegas has legal prostitution (oh shit, didn't notice that one huh?) He you're a guy, why do protest this law anyway? I question your sexuality Canada has no discernible cuisine or culinary specialty of its own. -Thats because the US beat us to the fast food industry. During the Vietnam era, thousands of draft-dodgers escaped up to Canada, where they remain. - Says alot about the heart and soul of the fightin' Americans! I don't blame them, I wouldn't want my government to send me out to a no good war to get my ass killed. Ask half the vets how much they love the good ol' USA. The drinking age in Canada is 18, inspiring our teens to pour across the border, get loaded up, then crash into schoolbusses soon after crossing back. - The drinking age is 19 moron. Hey if your teens want to come to Canada, isn't that the US's problem? Booze in the US is sold in convienece stores and side walk sales! What the fuck? And we have the booze problem, yeah buddy. The magnetic north lives in Canada. Imagine if they decided to move it -I question your intellegence There is something of an ethnic conflict in Canada between the French and English speakers. Similar conflicts worldwide erupt in horrible bloodshed. - Unlike the US we're not going to fight over it (think back to the civil war). I have also notice your page has not be updated in a long time. I assume you are like the rest of the American population and are extreamly obese. For these reasons I presume you are dead. Thank you for your time, Patrick P.S how many times in a row has Canada been the #1 country in the world to live in? I lost count. You seem to know all the facts, you tell me ass wipe.
From: Paul -------- [xxxxxxxxxxxx@lycos.com]I was, like, with him and with him and...
Sent: Monday, May 14, 2001 4:54 PM
Subject: Re: Satire
I just couldn't resist the temptation to start a Canadian rant.
Sure, people say ol' Jonathan Swift was a great satirist, but now the last laugh is on him- 'cause he's dead. Man, you Americans, why can't you pick on someone's who's alive, eh? The dead can't defend themselves. But the reason why there is so little good American satire is because there is no need for it. American politics and society speak well enough for themselves. The inanity of most of what passes for political discourse in the States is something to behold with awe. For instance, there were these political pundits on television moved to accuse Canadians in general of "whining" on the basis of one (one!) Canadian beer advertisement, a rant based on the theme "I am Canadian!" Not seeing the joke, they took it all so terribly seriously and mocked this apparent sign of Canadian patriotism, failing to mention all the asinine jingoism that gets passed off as "patrotism" in the States. But then, Americans have never been known for their logic, self-awareness or a sense of humou
r. Oh sorry- was that an unfair generalisation?
Paul Beaulieu
then I remembered the ad in question and the "Switch: Canada" ad that poseur did and thought, nah. Get over yourselves. That Joe Canadian thing was certainly pouty. Certainly compared to, say, "Ask not what your country can do for you..." and "A day that shall live in...infamy". I'm actually rather sad that the most patriotic display that I can recall in the past ten years or so from you guys is Joe Canadian -- a beer ad if I'm not mistaken.
Go Canada, Drink Molson!
Fags.
From: htm htm [xxxxx@yahoo.com]See? Nice and clean all the way through. Lots of points, keeps moving quickly. A nice argument against incorporation of what we here have been referring to "the new Northern States", and a solid-hitting blow right at the national pizza topping level. Good times. "Rack him"
Sent: Tuesday, June 05, 2001 11:24 AM
Subject: Canada is the biggest waste of land ever!
Hello,
Something never heard,"Great! We're saved, the Canadians are coming!" Worthless good for nothing country. I take that back it would be a good place to store nuclear waste.
What the hell good have they ever done? That's right, nothing! That place sucks so badly that even Joe Canada moved here.(Not that we wanted him here)
I agree somewhat about the need to take over Canada but, do we really want all those people becoming Americans and dumbing our population down even more? If we took over and deported 'em back to France or wherever, then put the land to good use, then fine. But I don't think I would be comfortable about having to call them Americans.( I really don't think they could be easily converted or even trained to act, spell, or even speak normally)
I will close with one question I have always wondered. If they call that stuff bacon then what the hell is ham?
Thank you for this great site.
From: Ricardo --------- [xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com]Yeah, whatever, putain.
Sent: Sunday, June 10, 2001 7:32 PM
Please don't make fun of our accents when your vowels aren't prononced correctly
From: Dave_and_Cookie [xxxx_xx_xxxxxx@netzero.net]Classic.
Subject: Stupid Canadians
My family on both sides have been in Canada for eons. I was born and raised in Toronto and left the city for the country 3 years ago. I love living where I am (southeastern Ontario) and wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world, but that's mainly because of the lakes, fishing etc. As a deeply entrenched Canadian, I believe that I'm a well qualified to be a critic of our wonderful (scenery) country. I am forced to conclude that the Americans are right. Canadians are a bunch of fuckin' idiots. They believe that they're peace loving (who isn't). It's easy to be peace loving when would be are totally incapable of defending our selves if we were attacked by Holland. We recently purchased some new tankey looking vehicles for the army. Apparently it's an excellent vehicle as long as you're 20 miles from the front - really!!! We've also got some big tough looking army thingy that'll get the boys anywhere when the going gets tough. The first time it was called into action (a snow storm in Toronto), it got stuck on a golf course trying to rescue a car. The latest reports on our military is that all of the equipment is outdated and rusting and will be useless within ten years. A few years ago Canadian troops were in Somalia on a "peacekeeping mission" (it was actually a war). A local Somali infiltrated the camp and was subsequently killed by a psycho in our elite fighting regiment. Typically, a private (with an excellent service record was blamed and the NCO's and officers who could have prevented the incident were totally exonerated. What to do? Disband the entire regiment (the only one worth its' salt). We have more generals than tanks (they're all old and obsolute - tanks and generals. 25 percent of the military are officers. You can tell the officers in the Canadian forces. In uniform, they look like bus drivers. Have you ever seen the ranks in uniform? Their uniforms look like they're made of green garbage bags. Ugandan troops look more spit and polish. In all fairness, we have good people in the military - they're just constantly getting fucked by Prime Minister Jean Chretien (should be cretin). He's the ass-hole who jumped up and down with great indignation over the previous prime minister who apparently travelled so much, he had an air force jet transport to get around in. He won the election. Guess what, he now travels twice as much and kept the jet which he promised to sell - says he needs it now 'cause he travels so much. He's the same guy who claimed he has a friend who is a "streetperson". He later was forced to admit that he only saw one once. He's the same pig who screamed up and down before the election how the Conservative party had ripped off the taxpayer by buying overly priced new helicopters (all old obsolete Sea Kings and Labradors, all older than the pilots, crew killers that are only capable of being airborne 10% of the time. He promised if elected, he would cancel the order. He did - we will now pay 100's of millions in cancellation costs. He purchased a different (inferior) model and a lot fewer of them. We will have to rely on the Americans to come to our rescue in tough situations. Enough 4 now. Will continue later.
From: Michael ----- [xxxxxx@uleth.ca]Dude, have you seen the Shatner recently? Good god, its awful. He's selling videos of him and a bunch of weenies in Star Trek garb running around calling him "Admiral" and shooting at each other. I don't know how he doesn't get his ass sued by paramount. It looks like a giant polar bear running around in a Kirk costume.
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2001 3:55 PM
Cc: cozama@uleth.ca
Subject: Canadian rant
Hey how's it going,
I know this is going to sound weird (me being Canadian and all) but I thought I'd let you know that I had a good laugh, even though it was at my countries and compatriot's expense. I guess the reason that I can say this is that I knew that your site was satirical and unlike other sites it wasn't deliberately malicious, as I have found other sites to be. There are not a lot of site's that can use satire and humor in an intelligent way (whether the subject is Canada or not) without the site denigrating into a sounding board for every ignorant miscreant decrying my country, just because it is still one of only politically acceptable social targets to attack (fortunately for you the majority of Canadians are white and not a visible minority as you wouldn't have anyone left to pick on, well except for the French). As for all the nasty rants you get for my fellow Canadians, you should try sending them to www.destroycanada.com so they can figure out who is producing a satirical and basically a harmless site, and who is producing a site, just to be a mean spirited asshole.Oh on another (lighter) matter, regarding your modest proposal to deal with Canada you forgot one very important stumbling block to your takeover scheme.
We've got Captain Kirk! That's right you said it yourselves William Shatner is one of us and he's kicked the shit out of, and had sex with every alien race in the galaxy whether they were friendly or not. Throw anything you got at him, he can take it and more. Cruise missiles you say? He'll just talk to them using his Kirk reasoning skills and they'll be flying back where they came from, just like all those turned crazy sentient computers he talked to death on the TV show. And without Forrest Kelly to calm him down he'll punch out every last living American male (even ones in comas)and sleep with their wives. Only Kirk can kill and immasculate someone at the same time and not always in that order. How do you stop that? Army, Navy, Klingons? Ha we laugh at your futile efforts to destroy us.
Take it easy
Mike
Horrifying. The only thing Kirk is fucking these days is his cholesterol count. Next...
From: Stephanie ------- [xxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com]I was going to make a rude comment here, but she's only 14.
Sent: Sunday, July 01, 2001 8:56 AM
Subject: No! Canada! Disturbing facts???
Hello there!
I was looking under the Canadian World Domination links, under 'Enemies', and was surprised to see that yes, some people actually do hate Canadians (of course, they were all American sites). I was looking down your list of Disturbing Canadian facts, and I started laughing so hard, I almost fell off of my chair!
OK, here goes:
We are not overly watched by Americans from across the border because, let's face it, what are we going to do? Roll our 3 tanks across the border and try and take over Montana? Not likely! :) *L*
Yes, I live less that an hour from the border, but I think I'll stay here thanks. I like the beer. :)
We've been flooding your curency exchange! *LOL* Pal, I can't even go buy some candy without getting a damn American quarter or nickel with my change. *L* Even though they are worth more.
I got no beef with the US and Canadian fishing industries. I don't like fish.
Hey, if men can walk topless in Ontario, shouldn't women be able to as well? Equal rights for all, right?!
NO CUISINE?!?! WHAT ABOUT BEER????????? Hehehehe . ..
Hello?! Canadian Football sucks! No worries there, pal.
Blah, blah, blah . . . whoa, there sure are a lot of these . . I'll just skip around a bit . .
"The drinking age in Canada is 18, inspiring our teens to pour across the border, get loaded up, then crash into schoolbusses soon after crossing back." What about the American adults? Face it, you just like our beer!
Decided to move the magnetic North! Excuse me, while I go laugh so hard I lose my lunch.
What? They pelted Bush Sr. with snowballs! It should've been Bush Jr.!
And, in closing, I would like to say that, yes, we think you are paranoid, but hey, we get a kick out of it!! In fact, tonight, I think they're showing an encore presentation of "Talking to Americans" with Rick Mercer. It a show where the Canadaian host goes down to the states and pokes fun at Americans by getting to believe things like "Canada has just legalized staplers, and Canada has just reach their first mile of paved road!" You should watch it sometime.
Oh yes, and before I finsish this very long letter, I would like to say "CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!" I love you Americans! My sisters boyfriend is American, and a lot of my friends are American! Actually, wait . . no, nevermind. Life is so much more interesting with all these Canada vs. US/ US vs. Canada site. Peace out,
Stephanie, age 14
Damn that's a funny name. Think she pronounces it "Annie"?
From: Anne ------ [xxxxx@music.com]HAHAHAH. I'm so glad I brought that one in. I would like to point out that they got that Russkie sub (now) in Victoria, so, like, if you ever needed a spare, there's one out there that you can play Das Boot in. Oh, and I'm glad I'm not you. Daily.
Sent: Monday, July 09, 2001 8:19 PM
Subject: Anti-Canadian...
As a proud canadian, I laugh at your page with tolerance. A small point, however, you say Americans should fear Canadian invasion because 80% of us live within a 2 hours drive from your border. Well with our 'great' military, and 2 tanks, we're sure to have such an impact on your military system. I mean, really, West Edmonton mall in Alberta has 5 fully operational submarins, while the Canadian Navy has 3. Now, if West Ed were every attacked, they might have a chance, but Canada on the other hand... If I were you, and thank god I'm not, I'd stop worrying about us. It's a waste of time on your part, and could be spent much better elsewhere, even though your page is a good laugh...Anne
From: Zack ----- [mercenary_for_hire@xxxxxx.com]Whatever. Who'd they play for. That's right. Us. If you want to claim them, you've got to prepend their name with "THAT WHORE" for not playing for the 'nucks (GO 'NUCKS). And, agreed -- there is no better sportsman than The Great One, THAT WHORE Wayne Gretzky.
Sent: Tuesday, July 17, 2001 8:00 PM
Subject: The Stanley Cup
Hey dumbass, you're forgeting something. When an "American" hockey team wins the Stanley Cup, it was actually 15 Canadians, 6 Czechs and a Russian. By the way, name an American hockey player better than Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, etc, etc.Sincerely, Zack. One of the most hate-filled Canadians you will ever have the misfortune of meeting.
Especially when he played for the Kings.
From: Johanna ----- [xxxxxx@home.com]Once again with the poutine, and I've already blown my poutine/poutain joke at the top of this thing. Damn.
Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2001 8:12 PM
Subject: No, Canada
Hello:
I'm not quite sure how I discovered this web site, but what can I say? It's hard to even type this, I'm laughing so hard!
I must, however, take issue with you about one of the points you have raised:
"Canada has no discernible cuisine or culinary specialty of its own."
This is simply not true. We do have poutine. Check it out.
Otherwise, your site has made my day. Keep up the good work!
Johanna Davis
Kilada Underfoot and Undercover Burmese
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
All the Canadian chicks who write me here are hella hot. This has been proven. And dude, a hot chick that likes fries with gravy and cheese on top, that's A Good Thing.
Poutine is indeed the shit. Vancouver, while not serving a whole lot of poutine, is blessed with a fry shop on nearly every corner in some neighborhoods downtown. I think its the only way they get through the winter months. Add a layer of blubber.
That can be kinda hot...
From: James -------------- [xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com]Well, thanks, James. I hope you weren't out there when we were bombing your contrymen in Afghanistan. Really. We're feel soooo sorry about that. We talk a lot of shit, but its kinda with a "mphrph" in our throat. On behalf of all of us, I apologize and resolve not to let it happen again.
Sent: Friday, September 21, 2001 6:25 PM
Subject: Canada
Hi
Saw your web site (btw, isn't that spelled 'yor' in the USA?). Well, THIS Canadian appreciates satire, and your site had me laughing like a howler monkey.
Good stuff.
Best regards,
James McKenzie-Smith
P.S. Re. the WTC...that was a cunt's trick by OBL, and no mistake. My condolences to you all, and I for one will be happy to join in the fight against your enemies any day.
From: Jaselyn ------- [jaselyn@xxxxxx.ca]Nah. Why start now?
Sent: Saturday, October 06, 2001 4:17 AM
By the way the drinking age in Canada is 19 not 18. Just in case you wanted your website to be acurate.
From: Mike ------ [matson67@hotmail.com]Barenaked Ladies. Mike, Mike, Mike -- you have your late 30s to appreciate that crap after you have a minivan and a commute. Go get some Led Zepplin and go score with the lay-deez.
Sent: Sunday, October 07, 2001 9:52 PM
Subject: Site
That's an interesting site you have there.. *laughs* (believe it or not, this is an e-mail from a Canadian that ISN'T a rant)
Nice reply to the Canadian World Domination site..
I'm so sane it's driving me crazy
- Barenaked Ladies
What is the true measure of insanity? Is
it being able to act sane? Or are all the
people we call nutcases the actual sane
people??
- Me
From: Joan ------- [xxxxx@nb.sympatico.ca]Yeah, go put some poutine into your saddlebags.
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2001 9:13 AM
Subject: gotta love it
I am Canadian and I'm constantly amazed at how wonderful you think you're country is. If its so great, why is it being bombed? And why do you need other country's help to defend yourselves? We may not fight but we never have to. We don't bite off more than we can chew.
Funny sight though! Did you know you are linked from the Canadian World Domination Site? Well, gotta go,
Your Canadian Friend Leanne
Holy Christ. It continues.