We keep getting letters. Amazingly, after that amazingly insightful letter from the French canuck, we finally found a like-minded brother:

Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 18:22:48 -0400
From: Kishan -----------

Hi, I'm from Canada and all I have to say is that USA RULEZ!!!!!! Canada DOES NOT!!!!!!!!

-Kishan

Kevin Poskitt of Vancouver, British Columbia* wrote us a somewhat odd piece of criticism a whopping 88 lines long--over a full typewritten page. Kevin seems to be doing something of a comment with commentary on segments of the site...

Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 23:51:40 PDT
From: Kevin -------
Subject: Dear Hypocrite

Dear sir/madam:

I am currently living in Vancouver and shall continue to do so for some time, when i stumbled across your treacheroius web site. Of the few points you make, none of which are valid, i do not agree with. Firstly the reason america has only a 2% GDP of exports to Canada is because you have NOTHING to offer us, we basically give you clean water, since we one almost 70% or the worlds fresh water, we give yo aluminum and we are the ones who spawn the fish. Withouth us you would all die, you are totally dependant on the services we render to you that you could never conquer us without hurting yourselfs. Secondly, u stated that not all americans are bigot, now this may be true, but doesnt it seem a little odd for you to have an anti-canadian web site, and then generalize about us and talk about us not having movie theatres and calling US ignorant?? This is an example of bigotry last time i checked.

this is quote off your canucks... link and i find that you have misconstrewed what the person was trying to say. What he was expressing is the fact that you hide behind the UN and the Canada Peacekeepers to start wars with tiny little countries in order to make yourselves feel better (my apologies to the anti-war activist in america), this was argued against by u by saying you go to claim names usually dog tags... this actually proves the point that the writter was illustrating.

If you do something, do it well I always thought. Besides, how else would we keep our government spending huge amounts of cash without socialized medicine?

this was a response towards a criticism of your weapons manufacturing. Your government has better things to spend money on other than its military, its your lack of social problems and help for the downtrodden that makes your country "great", the immorality of your countryies allocations of funding is what makes the capalist country that america is. I KNOW that your dying to say that Canada is also a capatilist nation but we arent, we are a socialist country and somewhat or an ogliarch and somwhat anarchistical.

Come now. Nobody really beleives that we're in it for humanitarian reasons. Look at the buildup in Kosovo. Who is going in with B52s thrumming? It ain't the UK, though they support it. It ain't Germany, though they supported it to. We've got nearly 225 years of bloody history--somebody has got to do the dirty work

this is a response to the allegation that you attack small countries for no purpose. This is true, for the situation in Kosovo is not actually helping peacetime negotiations and the bombing is amoral as it is damaging more civilians than actual government heads. It IS the UK and Germany who go in with the diplomats and the peace core and pay their bills to the UN i might add, and they are doing the huanitarian thing, while you keep blasting away. Another point id like to touch on is saddam hussien, now your government has attacked that area 3 times in history, and each time it was when the presedential ratings were low. Have you seen Wag the Dog? I will assume so, this movie accurately portrays the political side of all wars, it has been proven that wars when someone wins brings economic change and popularity, and america is guarenteed to win. This is why you went there, and so yu could maintain you monopoly on oil. another example of this is the second world war, which you all think you did sooooo much in thanx to hollywood. Then you blame the Japanese for pearl harbour, but infact many months before this america had been blockading transport out of Japan and stopping them from getting their necessary supplies, this is what caused Pearl Harbour. Also, when the Japanese diplomat came to tell america about the declaration of WAR, the american government left him outside for over 6 hours strait, and after the PH bombing bitched at him. Next i wish to point out that america has not had a HUGE part in wars for 225 years, rather for around 55 years, the wars you had were against helpless natives who had relatively small number of guns and ammo, and they still gave you troubles. America did little in WW2 and basically only became an economic and manufacturing juggernaught in 1945 during WW2.

yours respecfully,
Kev P

Well, after all that thoughtful discourse, there was only really one response that could be made:

Dear Kevin:

Whatever.

After nearly a year on the 'net, N!C finally gets it's second English-language missive from someone who gets it (though I always thought that JFK got his back problems as the result of "planting" another sort of "tree", and one that was somewhat less than ceremonial):

Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 22:13:06 -0400
From: Jack -------
Subject: nice site

I'm really impressed with your site. And, yes, I am a Canadian. While your page is a very funny, intelligent satire (on both of us--I think) I was offended by the hate mail sent to you by Canadians. Alas, some of my compatriots are as sharp as dull knives.

I thought you might find this of interest. A Canadian editorialist at Maclean's magazine wrote a collumn a couple of years ago that listen some nefarious Canadian activities with your presidents (ex. FDR contracted polio in New Brunswick, JFK threw out his back planting a ceremonial tree in Ottawa). I thought it would fit in perfectly with your site.

I'm sure it's on their web site, although I can't remember the title of the editorial (the writer was Alan Fotheringham).

Keep up the good work.

Jack Coulter

Apparently, Canuks get quite offended if you make any remark about Superman without specifying that he is their superhero, by God. This is the second dis I've gotten when I used the simile that Canada is Bizarro to our Superman, thereby attempting to convey the idea that they were very much the same, yet somehow different. Perhaps I should have said "Parkay to our Butter" or "Seattle to our San Francisco". They take the "our" far too literally.

Date: Sun, 23 May 1999 01:42:29 EDT
From: EParlCAC@xxx.com
Subject: Superman comment

You have your Superman comment backwards as Superman is also Canadian As was the creator who is from Western Canada. @nd we are the true North Americans.

Anyone so bound up of course demanded a response:

> You have your Superman comment backwards as Superman is also Canadian As was
> the creator who is from Western Canada. @nd we are the true North Americans.

Move out of your parent's basement!
    N!C
PS. I'm not sure on the internationality of the SAT's, but:
Superman is to Bizarro:

a) what the US is to Canada
b) what Seattle is to San Francisco (or vice versa)
c) I am to caring about Superman's nationality
d) Fucker! Superman is Canadian! How *dare* you pretend to use his name without...
e) all of the above.