Goddamn! If it's not clown porn, it's irate Canadians clogging my inbox. Along with a bunch of weeds, look what popped up in spring:

Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 10:17:42 -0600
From: Richard Farrugia <rfarrugia@XXXXX.com>
Subject: HUMOR


As a Canadian working in The United States Of America, I enjoy reading
the reactions from my Canadian Brothers and Sisters. I find them rather
humorous and reactionary. I am not sure if it would be wise to put much
faith into believing they represent the majority of Canadians. The
Untied States is not a perfect world but on the same token neither is
Canada. Both countries have much to offer and it would seem more prudent
to focus our efforts on improving the country in which we live whether
that is United States or Canada.

Regards
Richard

Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 04:22:27 -0500
From: max millions <maxmillions@XXXXXXXX.garfield.com>
Charlie Bill,
I just surfed over to your site. Actually i surfed over to the section with the e-mails first so I was a little.... perplexed by what you could have possibly said.

You do say some offensive things i guess, but what are you going to do.

There's this bit:
Canadians like to portray themselves as a cozy hygienic society, with no problems: a utopia. We reveal their dark underbelly.

And I grew up thinking it was more like this:
Americans like to portray Canadians as a cozy hygienic society, with no problems: a utopia.

And I was always rather offended by that. I'm not sure why exacly. I mean I guess it's a compliment. but really man. guess i don't like being generalized.

so anyways it was interesting to hear it from a different view and I shall think of that if I ever see another episode of Due South when the dude in the spiffy red coat goes to canada with his scruffy partner and everything is clean and polite. It was supposed to be a joke i know, but I thought it was oppressing in a way to have this title thrown at me like "You are Canadian Polite and clean forever" *salute* which like you said isn't true in most cases. People take everything to litteraly these days.

Keep on ranting (even if people are getting really T-ed off :-) )

If you didn't say it who would?

bye.

ps. relaaaax us canadian's aren't plotting to invade america.... MUAHAHAHA. unless this brain drain keeps up >:-)

cheers





;-)

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 01:44:01 -0800
From: Bob Ishmael <bobishmael@XXXXX.com>
Subject: A solution to the Canadian problem...

Wouldn't it be easier to just send a few ICBMs up North? I mean, it's not
like Canada has The Bomb... Do they? Sweet Lord, DO THEY?!
"If you can't be happy naturally, force it."-- Too Much Coffee Man

Here's a man after my own heart: he advocates a overkill military solution and is into TMCM. And hell, you can call him Ishmael. Where's that tattoed heathen when I need him? You know what kind of whale Moby Dick was, of course? Sperm.

Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000 23:05:45 -0500
From: Surjit Chandok <schandok@XXXX.com>
Subject: Canada rules!

fuck canada kicks ass. at least we dont have a president sleeping with a
fatass lady whos have his age. At least we dont have our mail boxes right
at da fucken sidewalk , so some fucken idiot can look inside. Atleast we
can speak right without some gay texas accent which sounds gay! At least
we have better laws with better homes. At least were safe and dont have
guns and go shootin people everyday. At least we dont have bums
everywhere. At least we dont have prostitutes on a sidewalk. At least we
dont have gays and homos, transexuals, bisexuals in r country, u do cuz
look at all those people on jerry springer, and americans actually like
that crap! oh well thats just sad... boo hoo

Many interesting points, lets take them in order. First, as to our President--I'd like to see you get some 22-year old ass when you're in your 50's. It wasn't like she was naked either, she was just blowing him under his desk and from the top, they all look about the same. Secondly, where the hell do you have your mailboxes anyways? 'Cause don't act all uppity if your mailman walks up to your door, 'cause he does that here too. Goddamn it, we've killed a lot of people to make sure that amongst our freedoms is the freedom to be lazy. That applies to postal employees as well as residents. Our mail is kept tidily in the box in close reach from our driveway and our postal employees aren't overly burdened--which is good considering what good shots they are.

Now, frankly, I don't know a single person with a Texan accent (though, damn, that's pretty hot on a chick--any redheaded Houstonites, drop me a line). Were I to pick on anybody's accent in this country it'd be the Minnesotans, 'cause they are less likely to kick your ass for it. But I'm not going to. You know why? 'Cause at least they ain't talking all this "oot" and "aboot" and "sooory" horseshit like you. So eat one.

And another thing, in regards to shooting: get about 12 times the number of people up there and then see what your shooting situation looks like, okay? Shit, if you were to take like Nevada, Idaho and Oregon which are about as boring and empty as Canada you've got the same statistics. Have you forgotten Pierre Lebrun yet, biz-atch? Huh? Huh? That's what I thought. At least I can ride a fucking bus without worrying that some francophone mofo is gonna shoot the place up. And for prostitutes, I've got two words for you: Evelyn Lau (and God was that a boring book). So step back.

And dude, first off, I don't know what goddamn frozen jerkwater beaver-loving town YOU are from, but there's probably at least one gay guy there. Check out the really well dressed dude who all the chicks like. You know why the girls like him? BECAUSE HE CAN SPELL, MOTHERFUCKER! And if you think gays are bad, I feel for you brother, because you will never experience the true joy of lipstick lesbians. Sssssssuckaaaaaa

(Okay, so the Canucks just lost to the Oilers in OT, thereby blowing the 2000 playoffs so I'm understandably a little on edge tonight).

Amazingly my Geocities Page is still bringing in the readers, nearly three years later (whoa--has it been that long?) Hell, Geocities got bought out by Yahoo and now I've got to get my mail by hand after merging my accounts (badly, I might add), but it's all good.

From: samson young <paris_001@xxxxx.com>
To: nocanada@geocities.com
Subject: (none)

first, your webpage is very funny. but just a few
things:

1) william gibson is an american. he moved to canada
to avoid being drafted. but you could always replace
him with mr. "generation x" douglas coupland. also,
where's celine dion? man is she ever annoying.

2) did you know that, at one time, canadians drove on
the *other* side of the road, like the british? it
finally became too confusing for people travelling
between canada and the us, so things were changed =)

3) after russia broke up, canada became the largest
country in the world. scary, huh?

things to think about.

-e-

Mmmm...obviously I need to do a bit more research. If so, this would make me feel better about digging Gibson's stuff so much. It woudl also explain that something in Coupland's work that I always found marginally annoying. I could just tell, man.

The Canadians must be coming out of hibernation or something, 'cause the mail is picking up again. Frankly, I'm afraid that the Canadians have a word for "fries covered in cheese and gravy". With their socialized medicine, wouldn't you think that they would have banned them by now. Good god. I mean, when I was in Vancouver they had chip shops, but they weren't putting all that shite on them. Holy crap. Talk about a coronary in the making. "Yes, I'd like some starch fried in fat, covered in melted aged fat and topped off with some flour mixed with fat please. Oh, but hold the salt." Indeed. I think he's making that up.

Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 10:32:55 -0400
From: Paul McGladdery <pmcgladdery@XXX.net>
Subject: N!C Website

FUCKER - Superman is Canadian! :^)

>Canadians battled with the US from the get-go during the French &
>Indian Wars, starting in 1755.

Burned the White House to the ground as I recall ;^).

>Ontario, in a shocking smack in the face of morality, recently
>declared it legal for women to walk around topless.

A shocking smack in the face of morality?! What did we do but grant
women the freedom to go topless? A topless woman is morally
reprehensible to you? Honestly now, what problem could anyone have
with that? That freedom has been around now for like two years, and
frankly I have yet to see a topless woman roaming about in public,
not that I would regret the sight of it. Ontario is not the first one
to make such positive steps towards increased freedom. Europeans have
had no problem with it for years. Why should it be a problem? Men go
topless....so too should women be able, if they wish.

>Canada has no discernible cuisine or culinary specialty of its own.

Canada is made up of a mosaic of distinct cultures and societies. We
benefit from the culinary specialties brought in by people from other
lands. Same thing with the US, really though. Then there's poutine!
Have you have had poutine? Oooohhhh. French fries, with melted cheese
and gravy. That reminds me of a very funny thing I read - here's a
short article from the LA Times:

Stung by a pop quiz about foreign leaders earlier in his campaign,
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush now has fallen
victim to a foreign affairs prank.
Canadians are chuckling over his on-air answer when comic Rick
Mercer, posing as a reporter, made up a story that Canadian Prime
Minister "Jean Poutine" had endorsed him. "I appreciate his strong
statement; he understands I believe in free trade," Bush replied.
"He understands I want to make sure our relations with our most
important neighbor to the north of us, the Canadians, is strong and
we'll work closely together," he continued.
Canada's prime minister is Jean Chretien, not Poutine, and he
has endorsed no one in U.S. politics. Poutine is a popular fast food
in the French-speaking province of Quebec, consisting of French
fries, gravy and cheese.

It ain't just in Quebec anymore!

>Canada has long had a history as a drug importation funnel to the
>United States.

Take that statement, reverse it, and you increase the truth factor
significantly. But don't get me wrong, I wholly appreciate some of
the wonderful weed passed from down there. Woops, I forgot about BC.
Ya, ok, British Columbia cooks some pretty nice weed too, some of
which I'm sure they gladly sell to Seattle for those big fat American
bucks.

>England peaceably split with Canada, and Canada still views the
>English monarchy as their head of state. The US has had several
>noted disputes with England and the English monarchy.

The US has had several noted disputes with just about everyone.
Regarding the Queen, I see that as just one more thing to
differentiate us from Americans. We cling desperately to our culture,
its not easy, considering the massive media influence from the South.
Do you know how many people up here are starting to say ZEE instead
of ZED? Its lunacy! Whenever I come to that letter in speech, I have
a kind of mental spasm. When I was a kid, I just about beat the crap
out of someone I was working on an assignment with with because he
insisted that colour was spelled colour, not color. I was in the
wrong, and it was because I had been watching that damned Sesame
Street! The show has since been Canadianized. Some official body up
here a couple of years ago sold the image of the 'Mountie' to Disney!
Of all the evil things to do! Thats like

>Nearly 1/6th of Canada's GDP is the result of exporting to the US.
>Only 2% of the US GDP is the result of exports to Canada.

Yep, its probably even more now. Its a good thing for us that one
American consumes more than most African villages, or we'd have to no
one to sell to. Well thats not really fair to say. The whole of North
American, Canadians included are grossly overconsuming this planet.

>During the Vietnam era, thousands of draft-dodgers escaped up to
>Canada, where they remain.

Can you blame them? I can't imagine I'd have been too eager to go to
Asia and get my legs blown off just so America can show the world
they can do whatever it was they were trying to do over there. I
don't know how old you are, but think about it - given the choice, if
you had a chance to escape the hell that was Vietnam, would you not
have taken it? I know I'd try to escape. What a great way for a
county to treat its people. Even today many American Vietnam veterans
are neglected and suffering.

>The magnetic north lives in Canada. Imagine if they decided to move
>it.

I don't get that at all! What if we decided to move it??! Je ne
comprende pas (EH! Heh, Didja git that? Frawnch, mashewer!). One bad
thing about Canada is they whip us if we don't speak some French.
Some of us enjoy that though, and purposely refuse to speak the
Frawnch just so we can get a good whippin'. You should include some
info about the Quebec signage laws on your site. Then again, maybe
you shouldn't. They've got their own little language gestapo
happening over there.

>There is something of an ethnic conflict in Canada between the
>French and English speakers. Similar conflicts worldwide erupt in
>horrible bloodshed.

Similar conflicts in other places do result in horrible bloodshed. I
think it speaks highly of Canada that it has NOT resulted in
bloodshed. Yes, there was some terrorist activity in the 1970's by a
group called the FLQ (Quebec Liberation Front), but thats ancient
history now, and the amount of violence commited by our government
against them is like a tickle when you compare it to the massacres
the American government has inflicted on its people. The relationship
between the French and English is an old and interesting one. The
French have managed to preserve their culture, and we (the English)
have let them do it. Thats very much a part of the Canadian way of
things - live and let live.

Will you be voting democrat or republican this year? Whats the
difference really? I always hear lt like the republicans are greedy
bastards who want to privatize the world, and the democrats are happy
hippy types who just like to dance. Then there's Ross Perot! I always
enjoyed watching American comedy shows making fun of him. "Jimmy
cracked corn, and I don't care.." Hehe. Up here we call Republicans
Conservatives and the Democrats are Liberals. I guess our Ross Perot
party would be the NDP.

Now first, I got this and went "heheh, another Yank laughing at them Canucks..."

Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 17:06:22 -0700
From: Jonathan Timar <jonathantimar@crosswinds.net>
Subject: It's pretty funny


That nobody can quite figure out you page is satire.

Damn I love Canada.

~Jonathan Timar
jonathantimar@crosswinds.net
www.crossswinds.net/~jonathantimar

But then I went to his webpage: after all this time tryin' to snoop respondant's web pages without them giving it to me, it was refreshing to, for once, have the URL supplied. Wrong. How many s's in "Crosswinds"? Here's a hint: not as many as in M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i. Problem two: I like Netscape. I've always liked Netscape. Jonathan doesn't like Netscape:

So I was thinking, what the fuck? Its not like the difference is earth-shattering, nor is his style really dependant on it. He could have gotten away without it. Then I realized: big head shot, bad site design. Yup, he's a Canuck. Hey, Jon, go check out Web Pages That Suck, especially this bit.

Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 17:07:44 -0700
From: Jonathan Timar <jonathantimar@crosswinds.net>

colour
neighbour
flavour





HAHAHAHAHAHA

What the fuck, dude? Hey, while you're surfing sites, maybe you should stop by this site.

Again and again and again, like a bad acid trip, more Canuck mail. Like a bad acid trip, more Canuck mail, again and again and again.