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No! Canada: watching our northern neighbors.
A modest proposal
The Canadian problem presents a number of issues. Obviously we can not trust them to live up in the hinterlands. History has proven time and time again that the aggressor comes from the North, going as far back as the Vandals. I believe that they are too quiet for their own good: like the nice neighbor next door with the bodies buried in the crawlspaces of his house.

It is evident that we can not allow Canadian sovereignty. We must, therefore, take actions against our northern cousins in a multi-staged effort:

1) Turn the French Canadians (FC) against the English-speaking Canadians. This should be an easy enough task. It is a fact known around the world that the FC only speak French to piss off the English speaking majority. We can exploit this backbiting tendency to our advantage. Many a war has been fought over smaller cultural differences than this. By showing the FC the way to self-autonomy, we can easily incite revolt, as they are fairly revolting on their own. This step would need to be covert, unlike all of our other previous covert actions of such a nature.

2) The second phase would be to support the English-speaking Canadians in defense against the FC. The anglophones are a better choice to pair with, as we share more culturally with them than with the FC. Besides, our country has enough problems with its own primary and secondary languages to add a third. Any French-speaking refugees in the western provinces would either be deported or forced to learn the grammatically close Spanish.

3) The US must become officially involved against the FC directly. The FCs sit strategically close to several major population centers, and this instability might prove dangerous to US citizenry. If we can tie some sort of superficial economic gain to the movement as well, we would receive popular corporate support. Recognition of US forces by the UN as "peacekeepers" would keep the US-asshole image down internationally. Perhaps we could foster the idea that we "need" their rich timber resources or something.

4) With the country broken and battered, we offer to buy the western provinces from Canada or, hell, force 'em at gunpoint to become our newest states.


The plan breaks down there. The "good" former-Canadians are rid of the FC, and the world is a better place. We might have to play on the international popularity of the peacekeeping mission and roll tanks into the rest of Canada to establish control there. While this is internationally a hot potato, it would be seen as a regional dispute, and not one likely to spill over anywhere. Would the French Canadians be missed anyway? Besides, who would launch a UN peacekeeping force without us?
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This is still a work of satire, but nobody ever reads this far anyways (especially reactionary Canucks).
Copyright 1997-2010 Charlie Bill