As I've driven through North America, I've noticed that there are a number of driving habits that we could more than live without. People simply aren't paying enough attention when they're driving or are driving without much concern for their fellow man. But what to do about it? Sure, one could give the old "up yours" middle finger at the stop light, but the problem there is that it is far too vauge: after all, if this behavior is the norm, then they certainly won't know what it is that's pissing you off. Therefore, we need a few more hand signals for our common unspoken language.

FIG 1. DRIVE, MOTHERFUCKER

You know when you look over while you're driving and you are disturbed to find some irresponsible driver using a cell phone, eating food, reading or performing open-heart surgery while they are driving? I'm not sure what jerkwater they learned to drive in, but I was taught that you are behind the controls of a lethal machine and you should treat it as such. The rule of thumb is: if you wouldn't do it with a loaded gun in your hand, you shouldn't do it whilest driving (note that this does tend to exclude oral sex, and that's okay). This first new sign will be called "Drive, motherfucker!" The presenter puts both hands up at 10 and 2, as if driving, and makes a back-and-forth driving motion.

Note that since this would leave the driver with no hands on the wheel, it is better performed while at a stop or by a passenger. When this sign becomes more common, a single-handed delivery can be instituted, but for the time being would be confused with the implication that the recipient is a jerk-off.

FIG 2. YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE DICK

Okay, you've all seen the guy; the one who is doing 90 in the fog, the one who's swerving through traffic, the guy on the motorcycle who's doing wheelies. They're all compensating for the fact that they've got small genitals. The vehicle gives them a sense of power and they're extending their "power" through conspicuous displays. This sign will be known as "you've got a little dick". Let that driver know that you are fooling no one--you both know the score. Note that this sign can also be used for people who have perfectly acceptable driving but are driving an overly flashy car or are sporting an amplified muffler. If the recipient has been especially offensive, squint at the narrow gap, as if the genitalia were so small that finding them is neigh-on impossible.

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