Just act a fool,
It's okay if you drool
'Cause everybody's gonna strip and get into the pool
And do what we like
--Digital Underground, "Doowutchyalike"
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Just act a fool, |
Every pool needs rules, especially when it's about to be besieged by the likes of the HRS friends. Come summertime One of these days we'll get this list engraved and out by the poo'. The pool rules are
still being formulated and we are currently soliciting commentary and additional ruleage. Email Charlie Bill to make sure your voice gets heard.
Here's the deal: at this age and with the temperament of you and the rest of my friends, ain't nobody gonna be saying nothing about nothing unless, perhaps, you lookin' extra tasty, and then it'll probably be me and that comes along with bein' the pool owner, so you'll have to lump it (even if you're a guy and I say that you're looking particularly tasty, 'cause I'm comfortable like that). Nobody is gonna give you any crap...except yourself, so here's a big fat white guy's take on how to get ready for pool season:
Step #1) Do not get a goddamned new swimsuit. For the entirety of the afternoon you're going to be shifting and adjusting and wondering if it makes your bust/butt/package look too big/small/misshapen and you ain't gonna have a good time. Wear something comfortable you know you look cute in, even if its perhaps a bit worse for wear. Once you're comfortable goin' out there, then go pack out the DKNY, okay?
Step #2) Get your ass some sun. I'm not suggesting sitting out during lunch every hour, but maybe a day or two with a good book would do both your head and your skin some good, so get out there. Not only does the tan look lots better poolside, but it says "goddamnit, I'm comfortable enough with this body of mine to bare it from time to time and get some sun on it. It don't matter how big/small/misshapen your suit (or perhaps even, and bless you if you are deluded enough to think this, your birthday suit) makes you look, a little tan is sexy. Makes people wonder where the end is.
Now, this one ain't no thing if you miss it. You can show up as late as August lookin' all fish belly white and we'll still love you as long as you either (a) are genetically disposed to being only either superwhite or super red or (b) you're out there working hard to rectify the issue come pooltime. Better to be prepared though and besides, it'll set you up nicely for
Step #3) Get comfortable with it all hanging out. This is perhaps the hardest step for those of us who have not grown up looking like the models on the covers of magazines or any one of a million cultural images we're bombarded with, but good God, if you aren't comfortable in your skin, it doesn't matter how brown you are or how comfy & cute (or, if you're adverse to "cute", try "fashionable", or "manly" or feel free to chose your own) your suit is, it don't matter if the two previous steps aren't gonna come together in the pool.
Now, this one, perhaps, is the hardest one for anybody who feels not quite "People's 50 most beautiful people" good lookin'. Frankly, like I said before, nobody is going to say anything. Perhaps more importantly, nobody is gonna give a shit. The days when the girls pointed and made catty comments and guys would openly laugh are far over, at least as far as the pool goes (and as long as you ain't wearin' what's fashionable in Brazil this summer).
I can only offer you my own experience as a guide because I'm far from any self-help expert here. I'm just a poor pool owner trying to get a full-fledged chickenfight going on and I need more wet people to do it. Here's how I got comfortable doin' it: I hung out in the backyard getting tan by myself at first because, as we all know from Step Two, tan is kinda sexy and even if its not, fishbelly white certainly isn't. But it made me kick around in my suit more or less, and you tend to get comfortable only wearing that much. At first it was only with the intent to get a tan, and then it was with the shirt off working in the yard and then it was cruising out front to get something out of the car -- as with any other behavior-changing activity, its best to eaaaaase into stuff like this. Try breakfast in your swim suit sometime. Sitting around watching "The Sopranos". If you're comfortable wearing that little in front of your house for a few seconds while you get the mail, you're definitely set for pool season.